First and foremost I would like to say, Mr. Beck Hansen - what is your fucking deal? Is this album going to be one of these never officially released hatchet jobs that fans have to piece together themselves after you scrap the project because you lost your vision or your mojo? Is it going to fall into the dusty unknown with Yankee Hotel Foxtrot demos and Velvet Underground songs that end up getting shuffled to various other albums? You are killing me bro. You released two songs in two years, and unofficially released one by having it on a FIFA soundtrack. I don’t have an XBox seeing as how my son is barely old enough to grip a cheerio. So, I guess I will still wait - but if we ever needed a new Beck album, 2016 was the year.
Spotify does this neat track all of your data thing, and probably sells digital info about me and my locations to advertisers and various law enforcement agencies, and Russia is probably stealing it all - but I think 2016 might be the year I gave up on the idea of ever getting privacy back without becoming Ted Kaczynski 2.0. (Not the uni-bombing part, the being a crazy person who lives in a shack part). So what I do get, is a yearly summary of all the music I’ve listened to. I had anticipated several releases from artists I enjoy, and apparently spent the majority of my time in some odd places. Joe Walsh, the Tragically Hip, the Grateful Dead, R.E.M., and Rage Against the Machine were the heaviest hitters - and what started as a fun year, ended as pretty angry one.
But as they say, out with old. Here’s the new stuff, and be warned, it’s gonna get weird. (I had a whole long thing written up about Justin Bieber’s album Purpose being straight fire, but double checked and it’s a 2015 release)
Leonard Cohen, Tribe Called Quest, Kanye, David Bowie, Rihanna all put out albums.
Cohen and Bowie were both too dark for me to get into, I couldn’t listen to Yeezy and Rihanna without blushing or giggling like a 10 year old hearing a bunch of synonyms for weiners and boobies, and admittedly I only gave Tribe a brief glance.
Honorable Mentions:
Rolling Stones - Blue & Lonesome
Haven’t even heard it yet, just impressed that to them not being dead means continuing to tour and continuing to record albums.
Red Hot Chili Peppers - The Getaway
I probably set the bar too high for what to expect. The radio singles are very radio friendly. Normally would have been in my top ten, but I have come to a point in my life where I can no longer look past the word salad.
Here are my top ten - with pairings:
10. Metallica - Hardwired...To Self-Destruct
What is that? Say it louder, I can’t hear you. What? I can’t make out what you're saying because this Metallica album is thunderously ripping my brain apart. Did you say you don’t like metal? Metallica doesn't fucking care. As a whole Hardwired is a little bloated with filler, and my personal preference would have been if they kept the gas down from the jump and recorded an album that put you in the hospital if you tried to listen to it from end to end. But Metallica has been around for a good long while now and if you ask them to “return to form” they’re going to have to wear a lot of hats. Write a song about Cthulu, have some slow intros here and there, add some D-Trump digs to be current, I get it. The bookends to this album are what I’ve been waiting for these guys to put together for over a decade now.
*Are you about to go play middle linebacker in the Cotton Bowl? Listen to: “Spit Out the Bone” and chase a 5 hour energy with Vodka Redbull.
9. The Strokes - Future Present Past EP
9. The Strokes - Future Present Past EP
It’s only four songs. Technically it’s only three songs - but the caveat here is that I could argue all three of these songs fit on any album the Strokes have ever put out in their career. Are these lyrics political? Can anyone really understand exactly what Casablancas is saying? The answer to both of those questions is, dealer’s choice.
*Do you miss crazy robo-Daft Punk bridges? Listen to: “OBLIVIOUS” and have yourself a dry martini in a pint glass you lifted from Dave and Busters.
8.Radiohead - Moon Shaped Pool
Old Tommy and the boys are back. It has to be difficult being the world’s most overrated band. The album starts with a fairly frantic tune, “Burn the Witch” and then drops into to audible valium. At the halfway point "Ful Stop" starts to crescendo, giving you the feeling that we’re going to pull out of the nosedive, but that too shall pass. On first run there doesn’t seem to be anything spectacular here, but the devil is in the details, the layers upon miniscule layers of Radiohead details.
*Opening your post-Christmas credit card statement? Listen to: “Daydreaming” and have a can of Heady Topper while you pretend you think it’s as good as everyone else says it is, and try and forget all the bad decisions you made in 2016.
7. Willie Nelson - Willie Nelson: The Demos Project Vol 1, and Vol 2
The Tragically Hip have a song called “Bobcaygeon” and it’s fantastic. Songs can be about whatever you make them out to be, and to me it’s a love song where a dude reflects on how shitty his job is and quits. There’s way more to it than that, but I always really liked the start "I left your house this morning, about a quarter after nine, could have been the Willie Nelson, could have been the wine." I also discovered a Cake song that I liked was a Willie Nelson cover, so in 2016 I really “dug into Willie,” and I’m a better person for it. This is kind of two albums. Technically, neither is a proper album, but as the kids say “sorry not sorry.” If you haven’t spent time with Willie Nelson yet, I don’t know what to tell you here. If you are looking for happy music, you have come to the wrong place. (Side note: just now realized Gordon Downie might not have been referring to music when he penned “could have been the Willie Nelson”)
*Just got stood up on a Tinder Date at a Honky Tonk in San Antonio? Listen to: “I Gotta Get Drunk” and have a glass of whatever’s on draft with a whiskey chaser.
6. Okkervil River - Away
Another sad one, but if there was ever a year I needed some slow brooding well crafted sad tunes, 2016 was it. The album doesn’t sound like other Okkervil River outputs, due mostly to the fact that the only thing remaining the same is the frontman, Will Sheff. He brought in the heaviest hitters/studio musicians he could get his hands on to record these songs, and it pays off. I read he recorded one of these tunes from inside a casket - don’t care to look up which one - you do you Will.
Another sad one, but if there was ever a year I needed some slow brooding well crafted sad tunes, 2016 was it. The album doesn’t sound like other Okkervil River outputs, due mostly to the fact that the only thing remaining the same is the frontman, Will Sheff. He brought in the heaviest hitters/studio musicians he could get his hands on to record these songs, and it pays off. I read he recorded one of these tunes from inside a casket - don’t care to look up which one - you do you Will.
*Still sad about the passing of Robin Williams? Listen to “Okkervil River R.I.P” and drink a mix-12 pack of craft beer by yourself in the dark.
5. Wilco - Schmilco
5. Wilco - Schmilco
Are you noticing a theme? As time passes, some things change, some things stay the same. Would it be fair to say Jeff Tweedy tries his damndest to do both? There is no reinvention of sound here. Schmilco is a Wilco album that sounds like a Wilco album, produced by a band that know they aren’t spring chickens. It has plenty sad parts, it has retrospective instrumental breaks, it has lyrics you need to rewind because they sound cool, and at the end of the day it has some beautiful weirdness. Only thing I’m not 100% behind is the album art. Love the artwork on it’s own, but my brain always feels like it’s the wrong sleeve.
*Is turning into a werewolf taking longer than you had anticipated? Listen to “Cry All Day” and have yourself a stiff Southern Comfort and coke with a splash of lime.
4. The Weeknd - Starboy
4. The Weeknd - Starboy
This guy. What this guy gets away with for lyrics is nothing short of amazing. There is no way you can sustain a career by only writing songs about double entendres and how much cocaine you use, is there? The Weeknd is going to crash at some point in a glorious mess, but until then he’s got my ear. Gimmie a beat. 
“Star Trek roof in the Wraith of Kahn, girls get loose when they hear this song.” Wraith...what?“I seen her, take down that tequila, down by the liter, I knew I had to meet her.” ...the whole liter?
*If this is what you’re listening to, you should probably poor yourself a glass of water.
3. Paul Simon - Stranger to Stranger
Paul Simon has been in the category of “I can do whatever to hell I want,” for quite some time now. A song about killing someone with a sushi knife and a werewolf. A catchy, possibly autobiographical tale about a bouncer not knowing who he is. A one minute tune called the clock, that has zero lyrics and features the chimes of a clock. There is a lot of nuance settled into Stranger to Stranger and it still comes off sounding like a really good Paul Simon album. The highlight for me by far though is “Cool Papa Bell.” The “F” word! Paul Simon worked the word motherfucker casually into a song. I hope he did it to win a bet.
*Dreaming about that pool you’re going to have installed in your backyard with this year’s Christmas bonus? Listen to “Cool Papa Bell” and have yourself a tall Pina Colada.
2. R. Kelly - 12 Nights of Christmas
The holiday stretch from Thanksgiving to New Years can be stressful on it’s own. This year I had added stress from work deadlines and my personal life on top of it and lo and behold the Christmas season was ushered in by the end of the world’s most God awful national election cycle. I was at a breaking point. Christmas music came on the radio and it was starting to get to me. Any TV ad that had someone drinking a warm cup of coffee was making the lizard part of my brain want to drop kick my flat screen. Then magic happened. I was hoping for some “new” Christmas music and I stumbled into the R. Kelly album. Remember R. Kelly? What do you expect an R. Kelly album in 2016 to sound like? The entire album from front to back follows three loose themes. 1.) Let’s get it on 2.) I need more time off from work 3.) Something something Christmas. That is it. It’s something you can dance in your car to, and each song might as well have been originally written for Bill Withers.
*Finally have some alone time with your significant other? Listen to: “Christmas Lovin” and share a glass of Eggnog spiked with Cognac.
1. The Tragically Hip - Man Machine Poem
Some singles were floating around already when Gordon Downie, the lead singer, announced he had terminal brain cancer this year, and then the Hip announced they we going still to do a tour, because Downie is a God Damn warrior. It was kind of in support of this album they recorded, but more realistically it was the grandest gesture they could possibly think of to give to the land they called home. The are so Canadian that if you listened to them long enough your dog will turn into a grizzly bear and you’d bleed pure maple syrup when you cut yourself open, so I can’t be mad that the tour took place 100% inside Canada. After tickets all got scooped up by the bots, fans asked the government to broadcast their final concert - and the federal government in Canada responded by saying “sure” and then airing it live on TV in it's fucking entirety with zero fucking commercials, broadcasting it on the radio and streaming it in like 4 spots on the internet. Not only did the entire country for the most part come to a halt during this concert, but any Canadian abroad stopped what they were doing as well.
*Can’t get back to sleep after that 4:30am ice time your beer league ended up with? Crack a Molson and Listen to: “In a World Possessed By the Human Mind”
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