Believe Everything: Trust No One
I feel like I’m dying from Christmas.
As I write this, it’s December 26th, the day after Christmas and my internal organs are all functioning at approximately 60% running speed. Too much traveling. Too much booze. Too much food. I’m exhausted. I’m broken, metaphorically, spiritually, existentially, etc., but it seems as though I have somehow survived the American Gladiators-esque ‘Eliminator’ run that we all know as “the Holiday Season.” Hearing a bogus/garbage version of “It Must Be Santa” from what sounded like the 50’s lead me to a little interweb digging. As it turns out, the rawkus Bob Dylan Christmas polka sing-a-long also had a version performed by Raffi (the banana phone troubadour himself) as well. It’s pretty tough to hate on Raffi, but my Polish blood still prefers Mr. Zimmerman’s take for really embracing the polka. As I contemplated how I could open a dialogue on power ranking who sang/performed the all-time greatest version of a handful of, if not EVERY Christmas song in the history of mankind's existence, I was serendipitously contacted by [Pb]fish himself to share my insanity, and here we are, so here goes...
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| Tenderoni Ultimate Album Choice |
We can consider this my introduction - If I were to pick an “ultimate album” for which to scrutinize everything else against in merciless subjectivity, it would be Trust by Elvis Costello and the Attractions… so just keep that in mind I suppose. There is actually an incredibly complicated mathematical formula for how I’ve decided that these 10 albums were the cream of 2014s crop; a small sample of the formula is as follows:
- The average degree to which an album either consistency builds on its own glorious weirdness from beginning to end or with sharp contrasts throughout
- How easy it is to run listening to the album multiplied by 0.6 of the overall ability to just ignore the album completely while I shovel my way through mountainous tasks of busywork/minutia.
- My horrible, inconsistent, flip-flopping and at times contradicting taste in music. *see HouseofSausage’s 2014 Spotify year in review graphic below
- The album’s cover art because fuck you thats why.
- The fact that this album was not covertly slipped into my iTunes account without my consent like some top secret government Trojan virus
- And finally, most importantly, whether or not I’d recommend someone else listen to it.
*
Honorable Mentions:
Jack White - Lazaretto
Hot and cold. When it’s good, it’s White at his best but when it’s not, I feel like I’ll wear out the “skip one track ahead” button on the cd player in my ‘96 Tercel.
[Just a taste: Lazaretto, That Black Bat Licorice]
Rancid - ...Honor is All We Know
Rancid is a band that seems to have been around as long as I’ve known music was a thing. The album they put out in 2014 makes you feel like you’re in a grimy bar sluggin’ PBRs with a crowd you don’t usually hang in and at some point there’s going to be a fight, which I’m assuming means it’s doing it’s job swimmingly.
[Just a taste: Back Where I Belong, Malfunction]
Mike Doughty - Stellar Motel
“City bus/Ketamine. Lucy Lawless/Magazine. Bad Pace/Lucky Charm. Outer Space/Smoke Alarm.” The world needs more batshit poetry lyrics. If Stellar Motel is a 200 level course, then 2008s intro to Mike Doughty class “Golden Delicious” (not his debut, just him at his best) is almost a prerequisite before you can enjoy any of the nuance here. None of which is subtle, but pairing rappers with Doughty needs SOME context.
[Just a taste: Light Will Keep Your Heart Beating in the Future, Oh My God Yeah Fuck It]
Prince - Art Official Age
This album, although not great, and probably not even in a top ten list of his own discography gets the nod here because Prince basically put out the “prince album” I was hoping to get out of Beck. “Lets funk” says the chorus, but that’s not how anybody in their right goddamn mind hears it. (P.S. Sea Change already happened Mr. Hanson, get back to the electric boogaloo please and thank you.)
[Just a taste: FUNKNROLL, THE GOLD STANDARD]
Opeth - Pale Communion
If you’re still reading this, it’s about to get weird. I’m willing to bet there is a slim chance you knew Opeth put out an album this year. They actually put out two. One, The Candlelight Years, is a massive journey through their history as epic death-metal speed-freak-guitar leviathans. I’m also willing to bet you might be thinking, “I don’t think death metal is very good.” Well first off, stop being such a pussy, Opeth is huge in Scandinavia bro. Second, you’re in luck because Pale Communion is an album whose sound appears to come from a band that sleeps each night in their own soundproof Rip Van Winkle chamber that must have been built it in the 70s when prog rock was an unstoppable force. This is the only feasible way to explain Pale Communion’s existence in our mortal coil. It’s a fantastic J.R.R. Tolkien companion piece, so dust off your polyhedral dice set.
[Just a taste: Eternal Rains Will Come]
So with that all being said, here are my top TEN for 2014
10/9 TIE) Guided By Voices - Motivational Jumpsuit & Guided By Voices - Cool Planet
“A lifetime of lifetimes in the publishers clearing house. I can’t get it out. Last recording nearly killed me. Writers block. Psycho all the time. It’s taking me too long” These are the lyrics you end up writing when you’ve been at it as long as these guys. Are they trying to be ironic? Must not have much writer’s block if you’re dropping your next album THE SAME FREAKING YEAR. These guys are from another planet. It turns out the ridiculous -20F degree polar vortex is to thank for locking Pollard in his Ohio residence long enough to start piecing together GBV’s second album of the year.
If you’ve seen them live, you know they live by a set of rules different than those established by physics and space-time that the rest of us are forced to live with. Plentiful 1-3 minute songs with almost zero banter between time, while all the smoking breaks take place during the songs themselves results in every Guided by Voices set feeling like you're watching the world’s greatest tribute band absolutely nail the 30-45 minute mash-up that was put together to span a band’s history. Only, thats just how these guys roll. So, clearly, they tie themselves here.
Motivational Jumpsuit was the earlier release, and it’s a soundtrack for a night out that gave you a pretty solid brown-out and a mouth that tastes like an ashtray. Whose jacket are you wearing? Whose couch is this you're on? Of course this is the night GBV provided the soundtrack for; they’re not overly aggressive nor subtle enough that you ever had a chance to realize you just had your 8th whiskey double. How did this dart get in your leg? Bonus on the back end of the album, you can hear all sorts of things if you're crazy enough. You can hear some Neil Youngish guitar, some Roger Watersish vocals, The Who, Nirvana… its like they all got stuck in a super blender and you’re just drinking the bitter extract.
So what’s to make of Cool Planet say you? Some songs sound rushed….hmmm ya think? It didn’t hit me the same, but I just can’t pass up a chance to have the band tie itself in this top ten list. It’s the small things in life that make it worth living.
[Just a taste: Writer’s Bloc (Psycho All the Time), Vote For Me Dummy]
8.) Against Me! - Transgender Dysphoria Blues
You might think that Thanksgiving dinner just got a little awkward now that Against Me!’s frontman Tom James Gabel has completed his surgery to become the band’s frontwoman Laura Jane Grace, but I have a strong suspicion that anyone she’s close to was aware of the singer’s gender reality all along. The album Transgender Dysphoria Blues fits the Against Me! canon well with hard guitars, dirty licks, and driving tempos, getting the 8 spot here for doing to the song “Thrash Unreal” what George Michael's very public arrest for trying to pick up a cop in a bathroom did to the song “Father Figure.” Different perspectives people, different perspectives.
[Just a taste: Transgender Dysphoria Blues, True Trans Soul Rebel]
7.) Sylvan Esso - Sylvan Esso
My hope, and I refuse to do any research to discredit this theory, is that this band was formed because a handful of people were disappointed with the direction Feist went on her sophomore album Metals. Just because an artist you enjoyed didn’t take the turn you expected or hoped for doesn’t mean someone else can’t. If dubstep had to happen, at least we got bands back into producing music so stereo-dependent that you get a completely different experience with and without headphones. I’ll admit the second track, "Dreamy Bruises", is tough to get through, and I can’t force you to listen to anything here, but this album is catchy and sneaky. In reality this spot had a hard run from both the New Pronographers’ Bill Bruisers and Ariel Pinks’ Pom Pom, but in the end I just didn’t listen to enough electro-bubble pop to warrant three separate spots.
[Just a taste: Hey Mami, Coffee]
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6.) Royal Blood - Royal Blood
Quick story: I saw this band live and they melted my face off and the drummer killed the skins so hard I forfeited my own will to live.
It’s two dudes like the Black Keys used to be. By their own hand, it seems as if their balls have been snipped by whoever produces the album. This self titled-debut should hit harder than it does, and it really is a shame. Tell somebody to turn those god damn drums up to 11 already. I met them, they have thick British accents and the drummer has to wear NFL grade wide receiver gloves for performances so that the skin doesn’t rip off his palms during shows, like literally.
[Just a taste: Out of the Black, Figure it Out]
5.) Death From Above 1979 - The Physical World
So it turns out, the magic number is 2. I’m consistently amazed when two people can pull off a rock show better than your standard 4some, and DFA1979 is no exception. For me, this album was a rare anticipated release. I’ve given up on hoping bands I already like prolonging the magic (yes I’m talking to you CAKE) but news of a DFA1979 reunion kind of had me a little stoked. It’s a little softer then 2004s ‘You’re a Woman, I am a Machine’ which is to be expected. A decade is a long time, and I’m sure a lot of the aggression and angst worked itself out instead of manifesting into good ol’ ‘Merican indie rock and or roll.
[Just a taste: Right On Frankenstein!, Trainwreck 1979]
4.) Alt J - This is All Yours
I thought I was over Fleet Foxes, but the second half of Alt J’s This is All Yours, starting with the track “Choice Kingdom,” has proven me wrong. Smack dab in the middle of all the sweeping futuristic beeping soundscapes all of a sudden we’re back in the winter woods again. But this time we’re not lost, instead just sort of hanging out there, possibly listening to an old Moby cassette. The only thing better than how the album ends on the quiet and calm track “Leaving Nara” is….***spoiler alert***…. that it’s not the end! Yes! Secret songs are still a thing, and for the love of crap it’s a BILL WITHERS cover! Well done.
[Just a taste: Left Hand Free, Hunger On The Pine]
3.) Sam Roberts Band - Lo-Fantasy
At some point in 2014 it was summer here in the northeast. It was warm, and people felt like enjoying themselves. Some music really compliments warm weather well, and kind of depresses the shit out of you during colder parts of winter. I’m surprised Sam Roberts isn’t bigger (both figuratively and literally - he’s a short dude) but the Montreal based band put out an album that pairs perfectly with your shorts and warm overpriced Molson draft you just got from the beer tent. I live close to Canada, and damnit it affects me in ways I don’t understand. For as long as I can remember, the Tragically Hip and Our Lady Peace have been my musical meat and potatoes that everything else seemed to sort of fit around and as a result Sam Roberts Band always had a place in my head waiting for them.
[Just a taste: Too Far, Metal Skin]
2.) Spoon - They Want my Soul
I loved the Tick cartoon so much that I thought I would would have to like everything put out by a band whose name is his eternal cry for justice, regardless of anything. Then Transference came out and I was beyond underwhelmed. Win some, lose some I suppose, and it seemed to fit a pattern of bands disappointing me with a piece that followed one I loved. Had my guard down long enough for Spoon to sonically rope-a-dope me then blast my jaw with They Want My Soul. It fits well toe to toe with GaGaGaGa, and dare I say, it’s actually better, like way better. Sounds like they finally figured out the perfect amount of ghosts to add an album, and I don’t mind it, if they like to party - those ghosts are cool with me.
[Just a taste: Rent I Pay, Inside Out]
1.) St. Vincent - St. Vincent
Saw a promo for SNL at some point in 2014 with Andy Sandberg doing his bizarro Andy Sandberg thing, and he mentioned his musical guest was St. Vincent. Next to him only stood Annie Clark, and I thought to myself, “That’s odd, isn’t St. Vincent a band?” Well, it is, but it’s not really because Annie Clark has her fingerprints on everything here, and St. Vincent’s SNL performances were weird enough to get me to an unhealthy level of interest. It was jarring and choreographed to look like the performers were rock and roll sex robots. A newer, shinier updated 2014 fembot if you will, but that’s just because I can’t suppress my dirty old man genetic code 24/7. I like the Talking Heads, and this is basically a master class on David Byrne appreciation from front to back. Listen to “Digital Witness” and try not to bop your heads to the horn section, I dare you.
[Just a taste: Digital Witness, Birth in Reverse]
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